I’m a Vegetarian, Except I Eat Chicken

I have been a vegetarian for 18 years. I decided to become a vegetarian during my senior year of high school. I was taking a class that I believe was called “Contemporary Issues.” It was one of those blow off classes that I switched to at the last minute because my math course was taking away from my senioritis. In this class, we received copies of Newsweek and each week we talked about the stories within. This was a busy year. The semester that I had Contemporary Issues was the same timeframe in which Lorena Bobbit Bobbit-ized her husband, the Menendez brothers Menendezed their parents, and Nancy Kerrigan got Kerriganed by Tonya Harding’s ex.

During this semester, there was also an issue about the antibiotics used in meat, and how this is a leading cause of superbugs. The more antibiotics we consume, the more resistant viruses become to them, thus they grow stronger and more difficult to fight. At around the same time, I was reading the book “Alive” about the tragic plane crash of an Uruguayan rugby team in the Andes. It is not a work of fiction, but an actual account of how this group of survivors had to choose between cannibalizing their fallen friends or perishing. Indeed, some chose to die from starvation. Others very methodically ate those who had already died, not barbarically, but in great horror.

Now I don’t believe the saying “A rat is a dog is a pig is a boy.” I say it sometimes because I think it’s funny, but it’s really not my belief that one is the same as the other. If I had to choose from the list, I would definitely put the boy last. I mean, really, I shouldn’t even have to say that. But this book did make me think about the choices people make when consuming food. Eating meat is easy, but is it necessary? Would I be able to survive if I chose not to kill animals to do so? The more I researched the way animals are raised by corporate farms, not by the ever-dwindling small farms that were around me at the time, the more horrified I became. I learned about the environmental impact of keeping large numbers of animals in one place and I found that I was appalled by the whole process – enough so that I gave up meat for good.

It wasn’t easy becoming vegetarian in little Lebanon, Missouri. Several times during that first year, people hid meat in my food to see if I would notice or if I would like it so much that I would go back to meat eating. For the longest time, people told me it was just a phase, that no one stays vegetarian for long. I’ve heard all of the arguments – it’s unhealthy to not eat meat, it’s unnatural, it’s just plain weird. And as it turns out, it’s not just here in the Midwest. I am no world traveler, but I have been throughout the U.S. and I pretty much have to “special order” meals wherever I go. From California to Ohio to New York, people love their meat.

I don’t mind special ordering food and I don’t mind going to friends’ homes when they have only meat on the menu. People think I do and that is because vegetarians are the worst. Over the years, I have met so many vegetarians that are holier-than-though militants about their diet choices. I may have gone through a phase like that for a brief period of time, but I learned quickly that it is unpleasant and truly unnecessary to be a jerk about food. Mealtime with a mix of meat-eaters and non-meat-eaters can turn into a hostile environment faster than you can say texturized vegetable protein.

Not a vegetable.

One of the worst parts of being a vegetarian is having to deal with pseudo-vegetarianism with a straight face. I can’t even begin to count the number of times someone has told me that they are a vegetarian, except they eat chicken or bacon or the occasional steak. So, to help these people out, I have made a handy guide for how to know if you’re a vegetarian.

• If you eat meat, you are not a vegetarian.
• Chicken is meat.
• Bacon is also meat. In fact, all pork is meat.
• Vegans and vegetarians are not the same thing. Vegans do not eat any products that come from animals, including dairy, honey, and eggs.
• A vegetarian that eats eggs is still a vegetarian. A vegetarian that drinks milk is still a vegetarian. These are technically called “ovo-lacto vegetarians.”
• Some people who still eat fish call themselves vegetarians. You can do this if you want, but I will make fun of you often, both to your face and behind your back, but mostly behind your back.
• Telling me that you’re a vegetarian when you are not is not going to make me think that you are a better person or is going to make me think anything of you at all. Eat meat if you want to. Or don’t. I don’t care.